North Texas Fantasy Football League

Death By Blumpkin
CAP 139/180
3-0, 2-3
Roster 20/24
QB
Drew Brees QB 23
Matt Stafford QB 2-1
Collin Kapernick SF 2

RB
Matt Forte RB 20-1
Cedric Benson RB 11-1
Beanie Wells, Ari RB 7-2
CJ Spiller RB 7-2
Felix Jones, Dal RB 6-1
Mike Leshour DET 2
Delone Carter 2
Rashad Jennings 3
Brandon Jacobs 6

WR/TE
Greg Jennings WR 19
Hakeem Nicks, NYG WR 7-2
Golden Tate WR 2-1
Santonio Holmes 9
Malcom Floyd 8
Braylon Edwards 1

DEF/ST
Falcons 1

Kicker
Adam Vinatieri 1

Hello sportsfans, welcome to the printed version of the audio tour of the famed "Rub Pub of Honor" provided, procided, and patroned by "Tittiebang Sports Extortion Inc". Please hold all questions until we conclude the tour at the souvineer shop with peep show; and if you would please hold any complaints even longer. I would also at this time ask you to please refrain from taking any photgraphs during the tour as I am sure we are in violation of several copyright and republication without written consent laws.

Okie doakie now! (smacking on gum)... Welcome to the Rub Pub of Honor where several of your favortite all time Taint Spankers and Death By Blumpkin players are inshrined. The Rub Pub is an intregal part of the vision that Tittiebang Sports Extortion Inc founder and chairman Tioga Shawn had when he concieved the notion of what would become his lifes great work, whilste amongst bath house refuse all those years ago. The Rub Pub combines 3 of his lifes greatest pleasures into one remarkable experience. His greatest passion was for drinking, getting drunk, and doing so amongst peers whom also loved drinking and getting drunk. Second, his love for sports that motivated him to found his own team here in the NTFFL after his USFL franchise, the El Paso Sanchez's were dissolved from the league for being dirty, inspired him to make his theme park from the dark side a sports bar instead of just a regular bar. And lastly, the final influence on the Rub Pub can be traced back to his growing up on the mean streets of Tioga in his over hormoned adolesence; where sheep were even more scarce than the three girls who lived there... Shawn developed a deep love for lustful porn fueled masterbation. To the point where even straight laced missionary type sex was dull and boring to the young virgin. Many many discraceful, distasteful, and even somewhat revolting years later, Shawn's love for the dirty has taken a perverse turn for the worse causing him to seek out girls with too many tatoo's who would probably be into the type of kink he needs to feel happy in the end. Thus his turning all the luxury boxes that compromise half of KY stadium into sportsbar/massage parlor/S&M dungeons has him on the forefront of generating stadium revenue during the week and in the offseason.

But enough of the glorious shrine that is Taintsville Acres, home to KY stadium and the Rub Pub... Lets delve more into the man that both Ron Jeremy and Nick Swartzson consisder a rolemodel, Tioga Shawn.


A born winner that always seems to lose, his drive and ambition for a league where obsessive football dorks could be "all in" for a highly competitive dynasty style format drew him to make a drunken vent to league founder Nick the Meat Beaty(ed. its BADE dickhole) one whistwhile evening. Tioga dreamed of a league that rewards the dork who drafts well due to too much analysis, and then manages his team like a farmer tends his fields instead of playing russian roulete with the free agent market until finaly catching lightning in a bottle. Watching Danny Schnieder's win championship after championship grated on his hungover nerves. Nick, who never heard a bad idea or bad joke he didn't like, took the bullshit by the horns and thus the NTFFL was born. And though the feared and reveared Taintspankers barely escaped making the postseason last year, they won the hearts of citizens in the town as well as their two fans who frequented their inagural stadium, Shouts field in Denton.


This year has seen Tioga pull the lipsticked sock puppet out of a hat, by shrewedly going 80's Colts and Raiders, as well as 90's Brown, Oilers, and Raiders... and moving his team to Dallas via the Laura Miller backlash law passed by city officials after she fucked up and lost the Cowboys to Arlington. In honor of Dallasians, instead of naming the team the Douches after many of them, he opted for Death by Blumpkin in what would be the desired obituary for her. The move has been a success seeing as how the DxB's have witnessed sell out crowds for every home game, as well as away game, and even the Wednsday between games.

Now that we're here at the fluff tables, I'd like for you to draw your attentions as you lie on your backs to the many banners hanging above you from the rafters. And now if you will focus less on the ones pertaining to the adult industries... you will see some of Tittiebanging Sports Extortion Inc's accomplishments.

Superbowl Champ '09 L.C.L
Superbowl Runner Up '08 L.C.L.
Quarterfinalist '07 L.C.L. (inagural season)

Runner up in the "Most likely to get caught trying to slob his own knob" contest '99,'00,'01, and '03. (had a girlfriend in '02)

Runner up in the BCS '04 National Beer Pong Standings
75th winner of the "Stoked Walker" award in '04 given to the beer pong player who was the best performer that season as well as being stoked that Brandon Walker stopped coming around.... (Later returned the award amongst accusations that he was cheating by using Odouls instead of the sanctioned Miller Lite.)

Once finished 1st, 3rd, and 7th in a circle jerk.

... Well folks, this concludes the tour of Rub Pub Hall of Fame. Feel free to linger around, perhaps even venture down to the underage asians wing. Lastly, enjoy todays game and thanks for coming today on what is "Catch crabs from Lindsey Lohan" day where the first 40,000 fans get to run a train on the former child actor and current loser cunt.